Sharing my heart...

So as the day winds down in Bulgaria, there is no news of court for us. :(

It has been a long journey that has yet to have an end in sight. But surprisingly, for today I am doing okay with that. Today, I have surrendered to Him, and He has granted me the peace that "passeth understanding".

This is NOT what I wanted, how I wanted things to go, how I ever thought they would go... this is not what my head would have chosen. But my heart [our hearts :)] chose to follow GOD. And that means trusting Him to lead, and to fully rely on, and to fully rest in the perfectness of HIS WILL.

There has not been ONE SINGLE PART of this journey that went how I expected. Some things were better, some were harder, some things were terrible, and some things left me speechless and basking in the AWESOMENESS and PERFECTION OF GOD ...

Saying "YES" to GOD isn't safe, it isn't comfortable, it doesn't make a whole lot of wordly sense, and it definitely doesn't mean you will know what you are in for! It means that "When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know, and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, FAITH is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly."
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Oh how I have flown my friends! How wonderful our GOD is! All I have to do is think back to the first time I held Tavi in my arms. Have I shared this? I can't remember.

I was so nervous. I had no "file" for how this would go. My friend, Michelle, sat and prayed with me right before I left the hotel to meet Tavi. Every fear, every doubt, every "concern" that anyone ever felt the need to share with me about this adoption was flashing red in my mind... and for a few minutes I admit I thought "Am I crazy? Can I really be wrong in this? Am I so self absorbed that I can't realistically see my limitations?"

Fast forward, we are at the orphanage waiting in a room for them to bring Tavi in. The head nurse is telling me about Tavis medicals [which were in her referral so no surprises]. I was so nervous I admit I just heard a buzzing sound, even though I knew she and Toni were talking to me. :) I just kept praying in my head "please God, please God, please God..." Not even being sure what it was I was asking...

Then the door opens and in walks my little girl with her curly dark hair, and big brown eyes, dressed all in purple... So unsure of this strange voice. So unsure of why she was in that room. That very second all fear LEFT and the very REAL peace of God washed over me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

I can not put into words quite what this was like, but I NEVER wanted that feeling to leave me. At that moment I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and my heart broke for all who may never know what it was like to feel that! Can heaven really be any more perfect than that moment?

As I picked her up and held her close I knew... I FELT HIS HOLY PRESENCE. Jesus WAS THERE my friends!!!! IN THAT ROOM!!!! The tears of JOY that couldn't fall from my eyes were falling from HIS! This was not just a romanticised idea. THIS WAS THE REAL DEAL!!! HE WAS THERE at this reunion of two hearts formed into a family by the compassionate, intricate and specific will of THE HOLY FATHER!

I KNEW I was RIGHT WHERE GOD wanted me to be! I KNEW that nothing would ever separate this little one from her MAMA... from me! I KNEW that this is what happens when you jump and trust God to catch you!

I can not explain what it is like to fall in love with a child you have never met! I can not explain what it is like to love them for a year, trying hard to not fall in love with an "idea" of who they are in your mind... but dreams and hopes continue to build upon the limited information you have.

The first time I held her, I realized I was touching the most priceless creation of God! A child so perfect, a child that HE sent as a blessing to this world. I was so careful. I was in awe. I was afraid to touch her, and yet couldn't help myself. I was amazed that my GOD had led me to this little girl to be her MAMA! ME GOD? How can this be? And yet I knew that it was HIS WILL, and it was so perfect!

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I have not handled being separated from my girls with grace. But I have clung tightly to HIS promises, and my faith in HIS MERCY and KINDESS. Having touched a piece of heaven, I can not be whole until I am holding them in my arms again.

Children, ALL children, are such priceless creations of GOD! Oh how we will answer for how we treat them, how we discard, and dismiss them. It breaks my heart that Jesus cries tears of sorrow instead of tears of Joy in the rooms of some of these little ones. HE ALWAYS sees their face, in suffering or in joy!

Take heed that you despise not one of these little ones; for I say to you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

Tavi and Yana... hold tightly to your savior. HE SEES YOU, HE LOVES YOU! He is bringing mommy back to you! You are coming home sweet girls, YOU ARE COMING HOME!

Be Still and Know...

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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God:

How do you quiet your breaking heart, still your racing mind, and end the desire to DO something while God does what GOD DOES?

Be still and know that I am God – What is its origin?
“Be still and know that I am God!” is the first part of Psalm 46:10. Here, the word still comes from a Hebrew word meaning to “let go” or “release.” The meaning would be best understood to say “cause yourself to become restrained or to let go.” In other words, we need to come to a place where we are willing to submit ourselves to God and acknowledging that He is in sovereign control.

When we realize that we are truly incapable of controlling life, we can surrender our will to God’s will. It may be a matter of finally saying we trust Him. This will open the door so that we may experience the fullness of all God wants and has for us. After all, He is our Creator and has a perfect plan for us when we let Him orchestrate it.

Be still and know that I am God – How can we know it’s God?
“…and know that I am God” denotes recognition, acknowledgement, and answering God. First, we must know that God is God, the one and only Supreme Being who created all the heavens and earth (Genesis 1:1).

We can know Him by having an intimate relationship with Him. That does not come from knowing about Him, but rather getting to personally know Him by what He says (in His Holy Word, the Bible), recognizing the things He does in our lives, and by way of His Holy Spirit who comes to guide and comfort us. In John 14:26, Jesus says “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you” (KJV).

When we read the Bible, we will learn to recognize the way God talks to us, the kinds of things He says, and the merciful love He offers.

God is:

* Omniscient – all knowing
* Omnipresent – universal presence at the same time
* Omnipotent – all powerful
* Holy, Faithful, and Sovereign
* Infinite – without measure, forever

Be still and know that I am God – What is the next part of the verse?
“Be still and know that I am God; I will be honored by every nation, I will be honored throughout the world!” The KJV uses the word ‘exalted’ meaning lifted up. Honored means highly valued or glorified. We are being told in this verse that the entire world will someday lift up and glorify the Lord.

Romans 14:11 says, “As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow to me and every tongue will confess allegiance to God.’” And regarding Christ’s promised return, Revelation 19:16 says: “On His robe and thigh was written this title: KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS.”

Surrender to God - What's the Phrase Really Mean?
Surrender to God - it's a term you may have heard, but what does it mean, exactly? Surrender is not a word often associated with positive actions. After all, "surrender in the name of the law" usually means trouble for someone. And we know that when one side surrenders to another in battle, it's a sign they've given up any hope for victory.

Surrender to God - If I Do That, What Am I Giving Up?
If we surrender to God, what are we giving up? Does it mean, as it does for the enemy in battle, to give up on victory in our lives? Is God holding a gun to our heads and forcing us to give Him everything we have, like a bandit or mugger might do? To be sure, there are those who are willing to portray God in that way, especially where self-gain is involved. But when we come to know the true character and nature of God, we quickly discover how false that image is.

Surrender means to yield ownership, to relinquish control over what we consider ours: our property, our time, our "rights." When we surrender to God, we are simply acknowledging that what we "own" actually belongs to Him. He is the giver of all good things. We are responsible to care for what God has given us, as stewards of His property, but by surrendering to God, we admit that He is ultimately in control of everything, including our present circumstances. Surrendering to God helps us to let go of whatever has been holding us back from God's best for our lives. By surrendering to God, we let go of whatever has kept us from wanting God's ways first.

*taken from HERE

"The Tortise and the Hare"

Weeellll, they always say slow and steady wins the race! And if something was ever SLOW and STEADY, this adoption is it!!

We received news about court this morning. And let me tell you, I am NOT surprised. In fact "I think I am going to keel over and die from NOT surprised!". OH, and did I mention "slow and steady"?

We have been assigned a judge [teeny, tiny progress]. As of today we do not have a court date, as according to her secretary she is very busy and so right now there is no idea when court will be. Oh, and no one really knows anything about this judge. [that is the part that is not surprising]

I was praying for a court date in April. I just don't see that happening, which means traveling in May is probably out too. So travel in June? SERIOUSLY?

Right now I want a drug that makes me forget about all of it, and someone can sober me up once I can travel. :( Sorry to continue the saga of "DRAMA QUEEN". Honestly, I am not usually this way!!!!

I do know that God has this! I am thankful for any progress in the right direction, so "Thank you Jesus!", [and Toni for advocating and working so hard for Bulgarias children!]. It's just that the longing in my heart, the split right down the center, continues to grow.

If I can be a drama queen for just a post or two...

These words pretty much describe where I am at today...

Despair:

# a state in which all hope is lost or absent;
# abandon hope; give up hope; lose heart;
# the feeling that everything is wrong and nothing will turn out well;

Depression:

# Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity
# gloomy: filled with melancholy and despondency


Doubt:

# consider unlikely or have doubts
# the state of being unsure of something
# uncertainty about the truth or factuality or existence of something

Dicouraged:

# demoralized: made less hopeful or enthusiastic
# deprived of courage or hope; take away hope from


Brokenhearted:

# full of sorrow
# Feeling depressed, despondent, or hopeless, especially over losing a love

and all because these little girls below are an ocean away!






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Still waiting....

14 months since we committed. 3 months since I last held my babies. Not to beat a dead horse, but sheesh... this is SOOO hard. :(

I am grieving, and yet I can't quite grieve because there is hope, and God will see them home to us! But I watch the videos and I still think "Are they real?".

I dreamed about them last night. They flew home unescorted, dropped off at my house by fed ex [which is how all my paperwork was sent to Bulgaria]. Upon arriving here I decided we should celebrate with sloppy joes sandwiches from the bowling alley. So I took the 2 girls and went to get the sandwiches. [For the record, I HATE sloppy joes, and the bowling alley? Come on!]

After that the dream remained really strange, but I WAS SPENDING TIME with them! My heart was rejoicing. I fought so hard not to wake up... I rarely do that. And I was SO SAD, that I got teary eyed when I woke and they were not with me.

I need them home. They need to be home. I need this journey to be over...

Teeny Weeny progress... but it's good.

Okay, so now we are officially IN COURT. Next week we should find out who our judge will be [please God, make it a good one!], and when our court date should be [please God, make is very soon!].

What makes this such a big deal is that in Bulgaria, birth parents can revoke their consent for adoption at any time up until the case is in court. Our's is "in court" now, so that is no longer a worry! Praise God!!!!

I am praying for a whirlwind of a turn around... meaning, court is so soon that Toni "almost" freaks out! [Love you Toni! ;)]

God is moving steadily in this adoption. Our bible study last night was on patience and perseverence. Think He was trying to give me a message? He likes to talk to me like that... and He does have a great sense of humor. ;)

*** In talking with Toni, we are still looking at the end of May for travel at the earliest. Oh how I hate that my idea of what would be the best [easiest, and quickest] isn't what God apparently wants. I know, I know... reasons, reasons, working in me, end results, timing, etc., etc....! But as someone commented at our bible study last night "that's a Sunday school answer". And the painful truth is... this sucks. :(


Never, NEVER did I think for even one second that this adoption would take so long. I am so thankful, and feeling blessed, that I didn't know! I couldn't have done it if I had known!

But ... if I appear a bit depressed for the next month or so... please understand it isn't my faith that is in question, but my heart is just feeling sad and broken. And there is just not anything anyone can do about it.

The problem is we are past all my lucky numbers!

I could hardly believe it once I added it all up. Since the day we officially committed to adopt Yana and Tavi it has been 421 days!!!

It occurred to me, I have not waited this long for anything I really wanted before!!! James's adoption took almost 2 years, but he was living with us during that time! Lucas's adoption, from the start of the homestudy, took just under 421 days. I was engaged AND married within 4 months for Pete's sake!


One might call me a tad spoiled. I prefer the words "highly motivated self starter"! ;)

I am praying that we have less than 1 month until we can travel. Even if it is a bit longer, the fact is it won't be 421 days! So since I have survived that, I do believe I will survive waiting the rest of the way.