She's my daughter now....

Adopting a child is a process that rarely ends once they are in your arms. You hear so much about bonding and attachment... and you read, and you read, and you read... and you deny that it will be that hard!

But the truth is each and every relationship is unique. And yes, it can really be that hard. As moms we can create such stress for ourselves as we agonize over our feelings toward the new son or daughter in our lives. We want it perfect, and normal, and healthy right from the get go.

At some point, you just have to face it. These things take time. Sometimes lots of time.

It occurred to me a while back, even before the girls were home, that I had the special privilege of choosing to parent/love a child that would have life long special needs. The fact that Tavi was blind never made me sad, it never felt like all my dreams came tumbling down, it never left me with a "what now" feeling.

But lately, and especially today... just for a while my heart was crying for her and all that I "see" that she will never see.

You see, I want the world for her. And every now and then I get overwhelmed with how to teach her what a tree is, what mountains look like, what a sunrise is, what a camel looks like, how blue the sky, how vast the ocean.... and so on. I want her to see all that God has given to us, that we may enjoy His creation.

It made me realize there is so much we teach our children that we never even talk about. But with Tavi, talking is vital, along with feeling, and smelling, and hearing....

As I sat at the park with her today playing in the sand it occurred to me that grieving may well be a part of the process for a parent of a child born with special needs. And I realized that in my heart I am grieving for all the things I can not show or give to her.

I am sad. And you know, I think that may just be okay.

She's not sad. She loves life, and loves learning about her world. Her joy is contagious. And I don't feel sorry for her. I don't pity her. I want to share in that joy! And the sweet blessing God has granted me, that of being her Mama is as precious as can be to me.

She's experiencing life as a typical child with a loving family who will stand by her. She is a typical child. She just happens to be a typical child who is blind. But again, not sure she knows it just yet. :)