It has been a long journey that has yet to have an end in sight. But surprisingly, for today I am doing okay with that. Today, I have surrendered to Him, and He has granted me the peace that "passeth understanding".
This is NOT what I wanted, how I wanted things to go, how I ever thought they would go... this is not what my head would have chosen. But my heart [our hearts :)] chose to follow GOD. And that means trusting Him to lead, and to fully rely on, and to fully rest in the perfectness of HIS WILL.
There has not been ONE SINGLE PART of this journey that went how I expected. Some things were better, some were harder, some things were terrible, and some things left me speechless and basking in the AWESOMENESS and PERFECTION OF GOD ...
Saying "YES" to GOD isn't safe, it isn't comfortable, it doesn't make a whole lot of wordly sense, and it definitely doesn't mean you will know what you are in for! It means that "When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know, and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, FAITH is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly."
Oh how I have flown my friends! How wonderful our GOD is! All I have to do is think back to the first time I held Tavi in my arms. Have I shared this? I can't remember.
I was so nervous. I had no "file" for how this would go. My friend, Michelle, sat and prayed with me right before I left the hotel to meet Tavi. Every fear, every doubt, every "concern" that anyone ever felt the need to share with me about this adoption was flashing red in my mind... and for a few minutes I admit I thought "Am I crazy? Can I really be wrong in this? Am I so self absorbed that I can't realistically see my limitations?"
Fast forward, we are at the orphanage waiting in a room for them to bring Tavi in. The head nurse is telling me about Tavis medicals [which were in her referral so no surprises]. I was so nervous I admit I just heard a buzzing sound, even though I knew she and Toni were talking to me. :) I just kept praying in my head "please God, please God, please God..." Not even being sure what it was I was asking...
Then the door opens and in walks my little girl with her curly dark hair, and big brown eyes, dressed all in purple... So unsure of this strange voice. So unsure of why she was in that room. That very second all fear LEFT and the very REAL peace of God washed over me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
I can not put into words quite what this was like, but I NEVER wanted that feeling to leave me. At that moment I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and my heart broke for all who may never know what it was like to feel that! Can heaven really be any more perfect than that moment?
As I picked her up and held her close I knew... I FELT HIS HOLY PRESENCE. Jesus WAS THERE my friends!!!! IN THAT ROOM!!!! The tears of JOY that couldn't fall from my eyes were falling from HIS! This was not just a romanticised idea. THIS WAS THE REAL DEAL!!! HE WAS THERE at this reunion of two hearts formed into a family by the compassionate, intricate and specific will of THE HOLY FATHER!
I KNEW I was RIGHT WHERE GOD wanted me to be! I KNEW that nothing would ever separate this little one from her MAMA... from me! I KNEW that this is what happens when you jump and trust God to catch you!
I can not explain what it is like to fall in love with a child you have never met! I can not explain what it is like to love them for a year, trying hard to not fall in love with an "idea" of who they are in your mind... but dreams and hopes continue to build upon the limited information you have.
The first time I held her, I realized I was touching the most priceless creation of God! A child so perfect, a child that HE sent as a blessing to this world. I was so careful. I was in awe. I was afraid to touch her, and yet couldn't help myself. I was amazed that my GOD had led me to this little girl to be her MAMA! ME GOD? How can this be? And yet I knew that it was HIS WILL, and it was so perfect!
I have not handled being separated from my girls with grace. But I have clung tightly to HIS promises, and my faith in HIS MERCY and KINDESS. Having touched a piece of heaven, I can not be whole until I am holding them in my arms again.
Children, ALL children, are such priceless creations of GOD! Oh how we will answer for how we treat them, how we discard, and dismiss them. It breaks my heart that Jesus cries tears of sorrow instead of tears of Joy in the rooms of some of these little ones. HE ALWAYS sees their face, in suffering or in joy!
Take heed that you despise not one of these little ones; for I say to you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 18:10
Tavi and Yana... hold tightly to your savior. HE SEES YOU, HE LOVES YOU! He is bringing mommy back to you! You are coming home sweet girls, YOU ARE COMING HOME!