Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Emotional Roller Coaster... also known as the adoption journey!

Where to start?

Well, 3 weeks ago we received the notice in the mail from USCIS that we were to go to Wichita [1 hr. and 45 min away] to be fingerprinted today. That is just over a month from when they received our application. So, off John and I went at 8:30 this morning with a cranky 3 year old, and 2 other kids [both of which were running fevers].

We arrived 10 minutes early. Waiting just over 15 minutes at the window for our turn, only to be told to go to a different window. So off we went to the other window. A window is which we were told "We can't do any fingerprints today, our machine is broke". "We have a walk in day, Wednesday [YESTERDAY when the machine WORKED!??]. You can come back then or write to reschedule."

Now, there are not many times I can recall that I can not hide my emotions, but this time I just couldn't. I couldn't even manage a smile, and my eyes got teary. [embarassing!] Anyway, I said I understood, these things happen. And I walked away, just kind of in a fog. Feeling like I was over reacting, but also feeling like my heart just fell to the ground and the government stepped all over it. [I am betting you other adopting parents will totally understand this feeling!]

As we were driving home, I was so sad and frustrated, but I realized I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared or discouraged. I had an overwhelming sense of peace that "GOD'S GOT THIS!"

I don't know WHY it happened like this. I don't know how this will affect the timing of things, if it will at all. It seems easy enough to me to let the blasted machine work today, but I am not God and I do not know what he knows. But I do know that HE is in control, that His timing is perfect. I can truly and faithfully say that no matter how sad, or frustrated I am, I have a very real sense of peace in His ability and desire to bring my girls home. I wanted them yesterday, but for whatever reason, God has a better plan. And I choose to trust in Him!

So, it looks like next Wednesday for our fingerprints. Things are not broken, doors are not shut... things are just temporarily delayed. I can handle delays. I can handle them because God is in control, not me. And that is nothing but an absolute blessing! Praise be to God! He is amazing.

... and just in case you are doubting that he really cares... when I got home I got the mail. My PASSPORT was in the mail! It could have come on any day, but God made sure it got here today. He loves me. He cares. He wants me to be absolutely, positively, and indubitably content to rest in His will and provision! Now all I need are USCIS clearance, and my FBI fingerprints and my dossier will be complete, and I am ready to travel!

God is too big for us. His works are too amazing. His love to vast. His knowledge is beyond our comprehension. He is a WARRIOR, fighting for every last one of us!

Never forget for a single second the special place that the "forgotten" hold in His heart. He sees, He cares, He rocks tenderly, and He LOVES Yana, Shawnee, Levi, Hailee, Jeremiah, Ava, and so many, many more.

He IS the defender of orphans. And He is mad, and He is moving, and He will right the wrongs done to them. Praise God that He is too big for me to comprehend! Praise God that He is who He is, was, and is to come.

My heart is mended, it wasn't broken like I thought. It was just bruised. God has healed it, made it like new, and I am at peace.


  1. WOW!! Thank you for being so candid..often we want to only share the joys, but I really needed to hear this today!


  2. I just have to say that was so amazing to read. What a witness to how we're called as believers to respond to disappointing circumstances. thank you for sharing.

  3. Oh goodness---yes, the joys of the adoption journey. I am sooooo sorry, dear friend. I wish I could just make it all better. But, like you say, God knows! I am so thankful this did not take Him by surprise...but that He's already got it covered. Whew--where would we be without Him? I have no idea.

    So thankful you have another appointment next week. That's just around the corner :)

    Hang in there, friend. Some day soon this will all be a distant memory when you hold your angels in your arms.

  4. Had this same "moment" today with our social worker. Although, I must admit, I am overlly blessed as my kids are with me. Praying for the peace that surpasses understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

  5. I am sorry that things did not go as planned today. It seems in the adoption world there are too many day like this. Close your eyes and imagine your beautiful girls on the Bulgarian country side! I enjoyed reading your journey!

  6. You wrote that so beautifully!! We had moments like that during our journey..but now after one year of waiting I am finally looking at my new son! My gift from God!!