To be honest, I just dont' know if I can do it! At least that is what I am feeling last night and today. How can I wait a year to bring these girls home? I think to myself, there are alot of domestic situations I would welcome, and they could happen so much quicker. There are even quicker international programs! The travel may be tougher... but to have it happen quicker might be worth the extra headache or extra money!
The need is so great all over! Kids all over the world need homes now! But I know there is a very good chance that Yana will not be adopted. She is 6 1/2, low functioning, with health issues. Shawnees chances of adoption drop every day as she gets closer to age 4...
And then there is the fact that my heart really is connected to these babies! But it is so hard having my life on hold for what I know will be a long journey! I know families that have waited longer, I know some that didn't wait much at all.
I prayed this morning, asking for clarity, for a sign that showed me the path to take. Nothing. Not that I meant right now or not at all... but I really need something today to help me settle my heart! And truthfully, I am probably being a baby! I want them home before Christmas, and I dont' see that happening. :( And then, I realize that those feelings are all about me and what I want! Sure I want the girls home ASAP for their own sake, but if I choose a different route, I am choosing only for myself, what is easiest for me. :(
I always, always thought how great it would be to do international adoption and be matched with a waiting child as you went through the whole process. That was part of the appeal of my chosen country, that you were "matched" pre-referral so the child you chose would not be matched with someone else! I have now realized that I dont' like it! I would rather have all the paperwork done, then get matched and travel very quickly after that!
I have a terrible headache today, and I am afraid it is from all the stress of this whole procedure/journey! This has all been building, but I have always pushed it back with positive thoughts... not able to do that today I guess. I jsut wonder if these two little girls will ever really be home with me! :(
And I am wondering what in the world I should do? I really need a sign God! Really, truly... I dont' mean to beg or show You what a wimp I am... I just need to know where I am supposed to be going here, I need to know what to do here!!!!