I am not only called Mom, I was called to BE a MOM!
I came to the realization a while ago that I was not like the other mothers in my circle of friends. I don't count the days till school starts like summer vacation is a form of torture [most days anyway:)]. I don't count the days or plan for a future when my kids are all grown with glee. I do look towards the future, and I want my kids to all grow and be wonderful adults who visit often and have love filled productive lives. I don't dislike all children but my own.
I am always the Park monitor mom. I don't mean to be, but I always fall into this roll. Pushing everyone elses kids, catching a baby on a slide that is WAY to big for them, redirecting the beginnings of a fight, cleaning up scraped knees and so on. This isn't just at the park,this befalls me everywhere. Even my kids ask why there are always so many kids around me! :)
I used to pray back when my husband said "NO" to more kids that God would take that burden from my heart and make the intense desire for children to go away. He didn't. If anything it got louder! I used to pray on my knees, with tears running down my face that I wanted that feeling gone if God chose not to answer the prayers of my heart for more children.
He answered it, and let me come to the most precious realization. I have been called to Him. And that means I am His, and I will be His to the best of my ability. But the specific task to which I am called is simply "MOM".
I have not been asked overseas on the mission field. I have not been asked to preach, or start a big organization with a Christian purpose. I have not been asked to be a youth leader, or to head multiple bible studies. I have been asked by God to be Mom. And until that changes, MOM I will stay.
That realization is what allowed me to be very open about special needs adoption. Before, I was open to special needs that were correctable, minor, or basically easily adjusted to. Mostly because I didn't see how to handle all that would be required of more intense special needs parenting. I was looking at the worlds standards of life and family and future and came away with the idea it would be crazy for us to think we could take on very much in the way of challenging special needs. But then I came to see, after much prayer and reflection, that the yearnings of my "mothers heart" was not just coming from inside me as a reflection of who I was, but of who GOD made and wanted me to be. I realized that He was asking me to step out in faith and parent a child that may not live on their own as an adult. And do you know once I realized that I had such a sense of peace come over me and SO MUCH of my life, my thoughts, my hearts directives suddenly made more sense. My GOD is a SPECIFIC GOD and He allowed me to catch a glimpse of all that He had done to prepare my heart to say YES when He called me to this.
My husband is apprehensive, but willing to listen and trust and travel with me in this adoption journey. Praise God. :)
So with this process I was led to my girls. Shawnee who is blind, but sounds like she will thrive in a family and be able to do whatever she desires, will soon be sisters to Yana. Yana is 6 1/2. She has Down syndrome and hydrocephalus. She is not walking. Is indifferent to the presence of adults or other children. Does not interact. Does not talk, except for a few syllable sounds. She doesn't do much at all... After reading all this I thought oh my... I don't know God, are You sure shes the one? ... BUT there was one little sentence, that after all this, God allowed to grab a hold of my heart and not let go.
Now I suppose so far all I have said will only be understood if you believe and understand the faith and reflection I am talking about. Sometimes it all seems a little crazy to me too if I look at it all as a person and not as a child of God. One who loves Him, wants to please Him, wants to worship and glorify Him, and trusts Him with His plan for my life.
Why would I want to live a life that can be lived w/o God in it? I asked myself this last night. And I said to myself [I do talk to myself alot :)] "I don't!" I KNOW that to bring the girls home, parent them, raise them and have the money, time and resources to do so on top of our 7 other children will not be a man sized task, but a GOD SIZED TASK!
Bring home my girls Lord! I am ready and willing!